01
04/2017

Canada’s Best Jokes

It’s the start of April, and here’s a blog post about Canada’s Best Jokes.  We’re really tempted to throw down a bunch of photos of politicians and bad rock stars, but that wouldn’t be very Canadian of us at all. It reminds us of a story about the guy who came up with the idea to name storms and hurricanes after people. His name was Clement Wragge, and occasionally he’d name them after politicians, so he could say things like: “Lyndon B Johnson is causing havoc and misery on the East Coast,” or “Donald Trump has caused serious damage to many houses and buildings!”   Wragge lived in the 1850’s, but if I dropped the name of obscure British politicians, it wouldn’t have been nearly as funny, which is what the post is supposed to be about, as opposed to my meteorological digressions. So here’s a list of classic and not-so-classic Canadian jokes:

Did you hear the joke about the guy who tattooed the map of Canada on his butt?
Every time he sits down, Quebec separates.

In New Brunswick, I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I love hockey, but I want to follow a sport that’s a little less violent. Now I’m into boxing.

So the U.S. and Canada are combining their space programs to send a spacecraft to the moon.
They’re calling the spaceship the Apollo-G.

How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?
Say: Please get out the swimming pool.

What do you call a sophisticated American?
A Canadian

Name the two seasons of Canada.
Winter, and July.

Did you know that Canada has a real hard water problem?
Most of the time, it’s frozen.

You know you live in Canada if:

Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance… and they don’t work there
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
You have switched from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again
You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewellery and your Keens.
You understand the sentence, “Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilt my poutine.”
You stepped on someone’s foot. You apologise, then apologise for making them apologise

What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.

Canada is the essence of not being. Not English, not American, it is the mathematic of not being. And a subtle flavour – we’re more like celery as a flavour.
― Mike Myers

I don’t trust any country that looks around a continent and says, ‘Hey, I’ll take the frozen part.’
– Jon Stewart

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’
– Steven Wright

Whoever said, “Do the job right the first time and you’ll never have to do it again” never shovelled snow off a Canadian driveway.

Why did the fugitives go to Canada?
Because they had nowhere else Toroto.

A Canadian went into a Tom Horton’s and noticed there was a “Roll Up The Rim To Win” Contest. So, he rolled up the rim of his coffee and started yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motorhome!”
The girl at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
The person shouted, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motorhome!” He handed the Cup to the girl who read:
“W I N A B A G E L”

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper, or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!”

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore.

He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie.
“Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.”
The man thought for a moment and said, “I would like the following three things to happen this year — The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley
Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.”
The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.

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